Boys (sometimes a girl just needs one)

You always hear boys say that girls are confusing. Why are they so emotional? Why do they always think they're fat? Why do they shop so much? etc etc etc. Well, here's what I say -- it's the boys who are confusing.

Why do relationships have to be games? Everything is under-the-table, it's give and take, test the waters, say the right thing, don't reveal too much about yourself, be friendly, be mysterious, be aloof, be vulnerable, blah blah blah. I know the old adage says we're all beginners in the game of love, but I feel like it is especially true for me. I just seem to mess everything up...

I don't know why I am having these strange feelings. I do hope this is just a funny phase I'm going through. Usually I am the kind of girl who likes to flirt and tease, but not let it lead anywhere. I'll let the boys take me out on dates, lead them on (I know this is really bad), and let them fall in love with me (just a little bit). But that's it. I don't want anymore than that. It's funny how when you don't care or want a relationship beyond friendship, that they do. The less you care, the more they do. The less you pursue them, the more they pursue you. (So basically you always get the exact opposite of what you want).

I didn't used to have any problem with the boys. They were attracted to me, and I could care less. I had better things to do. Horses to be ridden, books to be read, paths to be explored. I didn't have time for a man in my life. Commitment? Relationship? Phooey, who wants that? Where's the fun? Why settle for one boy when I could have as many as I want?

But at some point in the last few weeks my perspective has changed. I've been thinking about dating, serious relationships, and even marriage. If there are any males reading this out there -- don't freak out. I'm not envisioning marrying the first man who picks me up for a date. I'm just wanting to date with the intention of seeking for a potential spouse, and determining what characteristics I want in a future husband. Here's my goal: to get married in four years. And I want to be engaged for a year, so that gives me three years to get a serious boyfriend. You know, that really isn't a lot of time. Especially if you consider how naive and inexperienced I am... one boyfriend? One kiss? Wow, do I have a long way to go...

I'm confusing myself. I am so fickle. But I don't really think it's being fickle -- I think it is falling in love with certain qualities in different people, and mistaking it for falling in love with the various individuals. Hmm.., this probably doesn't make much sense. Let me try to explain myself. I'll be attracted to a man because of his love for literature. He seems romantic, full of ideas and insights, poetic, intelligent. I think I've found the one. Then I'll be attracted to someone else: he's passionate for God, excited about life, and living just to love people. I need to marry someone like him, I think to myself. And then, I'll spot a hottie with a boddie and I'll say Whoa! He is definitely the one for me. Am I fickle? Perhaps. But here is my theory -- I need a man who combines all of those qualities. I'm not in love with the individual that possesses those traits (who could be after just one date, or just spotting them across the room? Love at first sight? Nah....); I'm in love with the traits themselves.

I know I just need to be patient. I am praying for my husband, and praying for patience. I am praying that God will draw him closer to Himself, surrond him with strong guy friends, and make him mature, strong, and manly. (And sexy...., of course).

Well, I don't think this will last for long. It's probably just a fluke. But maybe not. I guess we'll just have to wait and see....