I am so confused. God, why are you doing this to me? Who am I and what am I supposed to be doing? I want to be intelligent, creative, and wise -- these are some of my deepest longings. But they shouldn't be, should they God? You want me to long for you, instead of longing for these inane traits ___. You are wise; you chose us before the foundations of the Earth. You hold the universe (and beyond) in your hands. So if I truly love wisdom, why don't I love you? You are intelligent; oh God, you are God! You are sovereign and make the wisdom of man seem like folly. If I love intellect, why do I not love you? You are creative; you formed the great minds of every artist I have ever admired, of every writer I have ever envied, of every poet I have ever imitated. You designed the heavens and the earth, and molded the beautiful bodies of mankind, the intricacies of the eye, the tranquility of nature, the blue of the sky, the painted wings of the butterfly. You God, are creative. So why do I not love you? I know you are asking me to seek you first. Be number one in my heart, Lord, and I know all of these things will be added onto me.

Where do you want me to go, God? Why are you taking away from me what I truly desire? You rip away the mystique of creativity. I look at those I idolize as creative, and realize that it is not as beautiful or original as I first thought. There is nothing new under the sun; I realize this is true. My friend, whom I have worshipped for her wisdom, is blemished and imperfect. I do not love her less, but she has fallen from perfection in my eyes. (I do not consider this to be an ill change of view). Why was I rejected from Stanford? You know I fear rejection. I hate it. I despise it. I feel so worthless. I am afraid. I want a deep relationship with a strong man of God, but I feel so inadequate. Why am I rejected? I am so weak. Give me strength, I can't make it on my own anymore. I give up, take it God. I don't want it anymore. Do with me what you will, I am ready. Break me. (Perhaps this is a foolish request). Grow me, mature me. Make me a beautiful woman for you, and you alone. Guide me, oh my God.